Insecure? BurnOut?

A daily struggle

I grew up feeling very insecure and with an inferiority complex

So this might sound like a weird reason but all my siblings are fair and I am the only dark person (then I didn't have a younger brother) in the house, my parents are fair too and I don't really look like any of them

We were different in skin tone and many people thought I was adopted. Some people still do now but I don't care anymore

So I had an idea of being very different from others and I felt that my sisters were given preferential treatment. I grew up feeling unloved and unwelcomed

Growing up too, in my family, my father then used to beat us for taking second position in school

As in second position obecause the person that carried first did not have two heads

So you always have to work hard to impress my father, anyhow or anyway, make sure you don't fail in school, nobody cared if you understood whatever nonsense they taught or if you were being bullied or abused, or anything

You passed your exams

You are not sleeping outside the house

There is food at home

What else does a child need?

Lmao

I used to watch him and my mum criticise parents that travel and leave their children or parents that do not have "time" for their children because they had all the time to make sure I wasn't spoilt and I wasn't staying out late.

They were always around but they never knew what was happening (at least to me), nahh my childhood was the hardest part of my life and so I'm struggling to have my life balanced now 😪

They said words to me, demeaning words, hurtful words, words that I can't forget, words that sting everyday

And some times when I'm trying to do something great, I remember those words and those times and I just break down again

They probably said out of anger and did not exactly mean them but well, they stuck either ways.

I found so much faults in myself, it almost became self loath. I hated a lot of things about my life and now I'm struggling to start accepting some parts of my self.

I saw so much beauty in everyone except me

Everyone else was the standard except me

If you know me, you know I have a thing for very fine people and very smart people

That pretty face card thing! Works with me kpa!

I really love fine people and being around them but then it became weird and I saw myself as the "ugliest" in the squad, not like I cared but then sometimes the feelings hit different and you look at other people and start seeing fault in yourself (or flaws). Then the feeling of wanting to stay alone comes in and well I'm pretty used to it.

I grew up with the "you don't belong here" type of looks from people, it was a struggle, I felt like I was always trying to belong or fit into

And it really affected my relationship with people, I never really felt like I was their friend

I was just that nice person you can have one or two conversations with

That's how I saw it honestly

So I do not just fully trust people or commit myself to people

I also talked a lot and people are always quick to point that out

They never saw it as maybe she has something to say, that's why she's always talking

It was more like must you always talk? Or you talk too much Mercy, and I really hated it

I remember growing up and being told you don't know how to talk or you talk carelessly

It made me feel really bad and at the same time really cautious

And in a bid not to ruin everything, I won't say anything at all

It did hurt so much because I like to talk and I always wanted to talk

Then I started talking less but it was like 'your voice is so loud' (it is loud and kind of deep and everytime I'm talking to someone, I am being self conscious of if I am shouting)

In order not to feel stupid, I will not talk at all or whisper if necessary

That is when I started writing a lot

When life gives you lemon, sit and shed hot tears before thinking of how to make lemonades from it.

I tried not to be noticed but at the same I needed people to know me, not everyone but at least know that there's a Mercy somewhere and she exists. I was subconsciously seeking validation from people without even realising what I was doing. It has been a tough tough journey and it affected almost everything about my life.

The first time I heard the word 'burnout', someone was tweeting about how it is hard for her to celebrate milestone no matter how huge you think they are, and it felt good to know that I wasn't the only one in this phase, it is actually a thing, I'm not abnormal. Incase you wanted to google it, I've helped you; Burnout is a state of complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. If you are experiencing burnout, you may notice it is difficult to engage in activities you normally find meaningful. You may no longer care about the things that are important to you or experience an increasing sense of hopelessness.

So for a very long time, (till this very moment) I do not know how to celebrate any event in my life. I am happy about it but I do not know how to express it or show my happiness - not when I gained admission to study law, not when I was to do my sign out after five years. I whispered a thank you Jesus, went to my room and slept, no pictures, no signings, no nothing. It wasn't intentional but it happened. Then I did not go for my convocation as well. When I heard my name was on convocation list, I was very grateful to God but I did not also know how to express that. I skipped convocation and I didn't do a shoot with the gown either (even though everyone asked me to, I didn't just feel like it). Then NYSC happened and the few pictures I have were either taken without my notice or because my mother insisted I sent her pictures. Then I gained admission to do my Masters, same feeling. Resumed for Masters in law, I even felt terrible like shouldn't be here but there's no place i would have been either. Right now, I am trying to process law school and I really do not know how I feel about it either

I am getting panic attacks in advance

Well, the summary of the whole thing is that it is easy to see people and pass comments about them without even knowing what they are battling - anxiety, insecurities, low on love, tough parenting, different things.

We should learn to be kind to people

It is very easy to say, 'Oh you are just 23, you have two degrees, about to get the third one, you should be grateful'

I am grateful, I am very grateful

But my mind wanders and I see how well other people are doing and I downplay my own self and efforts.

I feel very stuck and stagnant

It's sad to be broke and unemployed and depending on my father for everything.

I even feel like I'm going to school and gathering degrees to prove a point that I am at least doing something with my life and not really because I want to do it.

This is not a plea for perspire to aspire or any form of motivational speech

It is just a little sneak peak of what happens inside my head.

By way of conclusion,

I really appreciate the stats and figures I've been seeing on my dashboard

A friend said I'm the Lady Whistledown of my own life and I weirdly love it a lot

Thank you all for your positive comments, reviews and kind words

I do not take it for granted at all

God bless you

All the love in the whole world,

Star Girl Mercy ❤️